I don't want to dwell too much on this kind of blog lest i be seen as emo or something. But, well, first and foremost, this blog was created as my own personal diary and this is where i offload all my emotions, from every part of the spectrum.
Im unhappy, right now, and most of it stems from money troubles. I used to consider myself as being above the tedium of money, and schedules, and the things that keep businessmen and the rich grumpy. The bank keep taking my money and i don't have enough left to live until January. Although its true i get paid at the end of each month, even with said wage i don't know how I'm going to manage. Its so worrying that i barely sleep any more.
Theres collateral damage to this too. Because i barely sleep, I'm constantly grumpy. I can't take a joke any more, i barely laugh, i snap at the people closest to me and my frown lines are deeper than ever. I feel like I'm drifting away from the people that mean the world to me, and I'm pushing myself out of the social circle i used to take great joy in being a part of. All I ever do is complain. I take offense to the slightest suggestin even when i know it's ludicrous. I used to look at people who couldn't crack a smile and think "Christ, lighten up." I'm now telling this to myself every day.
I've turned into my own worst nightmare.
And theres really no excuse for it, either. I do have good friends and i know i do, even though i don't see them nearly enough (Brinners and Kayleigh, i miss you both way too much. =/ ) I have a wonderful family (And I'm homesick more now than ever) and a boyfriend i don't deserve (Mi Querido, I'm sorry i snap so much). It is the support of all these people that has kept me cemented to my studies here in Swansea and if it weren't for them i doubt I'd have the strength to get through this as i have. I know for a fact that, if i weren't so in love as I am right now, I'd have left long ago and gone home to get a job. Doing what, I'm really not sure.
And I am in a happy place, when I forget how screwed over I am, and how hard life is. I look at my family and I see them struggle too, and wish I could help, and that if anything, makes me feel even worse. I'm so stuck its painful. It's hard and i wish it were far easier than it is. I resent the people in my life who go to daddy to bail them out - because they'll never appreciate just how lucky they are, and they'll never know how to truly take care of themselves. But, then again, they'll never know the same worry, and for that i feel happy for them.
I'm sure I'll be fine, soon. Trying to sort out my life IS hard, but it's a learning experience. I'm doing the very best i can to make it better for myself, and for others. To my friends that read this, bear with me and i promise I'll be laughing again soon. To my family, i can't wait to be home so i can remember myself.
And to Mi Querido, Thank You - Being around you makes me remember how truly lucky i am, despite my many vices. I love you.
2 comments:
I was where you are the beginning of last year (with some differences, as you know), but it does get better. You've just got to take each day as they come, try and plan for the week, but leave enough time for random Plymouthians to drop by your door to have a chat and pick up my stuff.
Lectures and job are the priority -and if it gets really bad, you can always contact the department to see about an extension on deadlines (talk to Lee in the office).
Ah money problems suck cock. Its worse when you have bills and crappy deadlines...and realise you're working a shitty deadend 'going to gain nothing from this' job. Which is just to pay for the bills caused by education.
'Life is just one damned thing after another' Elbert Hubbard
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