Erk!

The last time i posted was a very trying time for me; still, it's no excuse to have been so lax in my blogging duties! Oopsidaisie.

So, most recently, things have been a little better. Obviously, i still miss my nana but thats something thats never going to go away, i'm blessed enough to have some lovely memories of her, and i've been given more drive to do well. Which is great, because apparently my family have connections to a publisher. Which might kick my ass well enough to finish this book!

Lifesong, by the way, is going to be re-written from a slightly different perspective. No change to the plot, more so a change in narrative and such. I did a lot of searching, and have got some of my characters saved from pieces of art created by others (obviously intended for different reasons but they somewhat fit) which have given me more to gon on . Its nice to see my characters being shown. HOWEVER. i would DEARLY love an artist to really do them for me. Properly. *Hint hint*.

Sadly, though, the writing is going to be slow going recently, as... dun dun dunnnnn... DISSERTATION proposals have to be in soon as well as the fact that 10,000 words are due for this time next year. Im wondering what to do my dissertation on. Im caught right now between the politics of Nefertiti, and the settlement of Roman Britain. Hmmmm. I think Roman Britain would be more easily researched, personally, anything to get a better mark!

Okay, so, i know this hasn't been the most riveting thing i've ever written but i was butt-smacked to update so i have. And i PROMISE, REALLY PROMISE THIS TIME that i'll write more OFTEN. promeeeeeessseeee. Really. =]

Tolsons, i Salute You..

Dear Nana

Today you gave us all a gift i never realised i was thankful for until now. Watching you end your life and begin another was an experience i'll never forget - even though i cry, its not because i grieve for you. How can i grieve when i can feel your happiness radiating around me? I know you saw your entire family, the result of your love gathered to wish you a safe journey, and i know how proud you must have felt - i am so proud of my family, and before today i never realised how much i enjoy their company. I have you to thank for that realisation.
Today has never felt like the end for me - only the beginning. Its as if you've passed a book to us with blank pages, ready for us to fill - now is the time for your children to shine and to live their life as you did, and when it becomes their time to pass the book to us, your grandchildren, i for one promise to fill the book to the very last page. And, talking of books, i promise i'll finish mine before my 25th birthday. And you'll be on the cover. We came together today as a family to share memories that you yourself created. You left us with the song 'i have a dream' - well, i too have a dream, that we all create memories for our children that are at least half as rich as the ones you left behind for us to cherish.

Until we meet again, nana - i will always love you.

Lauren x

And to my family - i need say nothing other than i miss and love you all, and i am thankful for all of you. I never realised how large a part of my life you all are in your entirety until this day. I hope that we all see a lot more of each other soon. Please, don't be strangers. ~x

GOOD MORNING....!

When a person thinks of Vietnam they see napalm, tanks, Robin Williams or Martin Sheen. War, Americans, boundaries and My Lai.

I visited Vietnam two years ago, in the summer of my 18th year. I, too, wondered, when my dad booked this holiday, what i would find. Whether i would find the remnants of a war, where people were wary to glance around in case it invited dissent; with a history of poverty and war and a communist government, i could hardly blame them. But when i found myself in the midst of Ho Chi Minh city, surrounded by locals i was wondrously surprised.

Never in all my life had i been proved so wrong! The Vietnamese people are the happiest people i've ever met - which is very odd to western culture i suppose, who coincide money with happiness. Money is the one thing not many Vietnamese people have, but if smiles were legal tender they'd be the richest people in the world.

And i wasn't entirely wrong. There are, of course, museums recording the various wars, monuments such as the Cu Chi tunnels that still remain to make sure the injustices are never forgotten. Shrines to fallen soldiers, and places where veterans and victims of agent orange or napalm chemicals can make an honest living without being exploited or overstretched. The thing is, the Vietnamese are proud people. They were too proud to ask for help in every war they won or lost and are too proud now to beg despite they pittance they each earn. (a bellboy in a 5 star hotel averages a salary of $5 a month, as we were told). They never beg - what they DO do is make items or find items to sell. Which is, to me, amazing.

The point i have to make here is that, although i enjoyed my time in Vietnam and i met many lovely people, live does carry on and i only ever occasionally gave it any thought - sometimes i look back at pictures and reminisce. I thought, with it being an upcoming tourist attraction, my presence in Vietnam would hardly be remembered by anyone. Though i was complimented and met some wonderful people. Again, i was very wrong.

In the later part of our holiday, we visited Ha Long bay - a world heritage site and the nicest aby ive ever seen. We were given a private boat with a full crew who fed us and showed us their home. One boy didn't speak much English, but he smiled lots and he really tried. So i gave him my email, and told him that he could practise his English by writing to me. He smiled some more and put the piece of paper in his pocket.

I thought nothing of it - time has gone by, no emails came. I assumed that another tourist would come by and show the same kindness, and i was very, very wrong. Two weeks ago, i received an email asking if i remembered him. His name was Hoa - of course, i replied. He sent this back:

hello:lauren !
I am fine .
How are you ?
I am very happy to receive your message. some day you should not just through the network.from the day you put flooded Halong Bay, I always remember to you and your family.I feel very happy family. your parents are understanding, friendly and kind.you and your family are in my heartyour pictures I feel like yesterday.How are you?you learn song yet?Health is not your parents?talk to you soon.!
hoa!

How lovely is a little bit of an understatement! I never imagined that my family and i could have such an effect on someone for simply being kind and polite, but apparently we did. It really does go to show that kindness pays off. (Of course, i also find his English adorable.Not quite there yet but its far better than my Vietnamese!)

This is the best Christmas present ever.

Losing My Religion

I don't want to dwell too much on this kind of blog lest i be seen as emo or something. But, well, first and foremost, this blog was created as my own personal diary and this is where i offload all my emotions, from every part of the spectrum.

Im unhappy, right now, and most of it stems from money troubles. I used to consider myself as being above the tedium of money, and schedules, and the things that keep businessmen and the rich grumpy. The bank keep taking my money and i don't have enough left to live until January. Although its true i get paid at the end of each month, even with said wage i don't know how I'm going to manage. Its so worrying that i barely sleep any more.

Theres collateral damage to this too. Because i barely sleep, I'm constantly grumpy. I can't take a joke any more, i barely laugh, i snap at the people closest to me and my frown lines are deeper than ever. I feel like I'm drifting away from the people that mean the world to me, and I'm pushing myself out of the social circle i used to take great joy in being a part of. All I ever do is complain. I take offense to the slightest suggestin even when i know it's ludicrous. I used to look at people who couldn't crack a smile and think "Christ, lighten up." I'm now telling this to myself every day.

I've turned into my own worst nightmare.

And theres really no excuse for it, either. I do have good friends and i know i do, even though i don't see them nearly enough (Brinners and Kayleigh, i miss you both way too much. =/ ) I have a wonderful family (And I'm homesick more now than ever) and a boyfriend i don't deserve (Mi Querido, I'm sorry i snap so much). It is the support of all these people that has kept me cemented to my studies here in Swansea and if it weren't for them i doubt I'd have the strength to get through this as i have. I know for a fact that, if i weren't so in love as I am right now, I'd have left long ago and gone home to get a job. Doing what, I'm really not sure.

And I am in a happy place, when I forget how screwed over I am, and how hard life is. I look at my family and I see them struggle too, and wish I could help, and that if anything, makes me feel even worse. I'm so stuck its painful. It's hard and i wish it were far easier than it is. I resent the people in my life who go to daddy to bail them out - because they'll never appreciate just how lucky they are, and they'll never know how to truly take care of themselves. But, then again, they'll never know the same worry, and for that i feel happy for them.

I'm sure I'll be fine, soon. Trying to sort out my life IS hard, but it's a learning experience. I'm doing the very best i can to make it better for myself, and for others. To my friends that read this, bear with me and i promise I'll be laughing again soon. To my family, i can't wait to be home so i can remember myself.

And to Mi Querido, Thank You - Being around you makes me remember how truly lucky i am, despite my many vices. I love you.

The Art of Doing As You Please

I'm beginning to wonder why on earth i've never read more of Oscar Wilde's publishings. The gist of this is, that last night i went to the cinema to watch the new adaptation of The Picture of Dorian Gray and LOVED it.

For those of you who don't know the story, i'll summarise now. Dorian Gray begins as a young, impressionable man, moving to London to claim his Grandfather's inheritance. He is wealthy, he is young and he is beautiful. So beautiful, he is brefriended by the artist Basil Hallward, who paints a portrait of him, claiming it to be his best work. After also befriending the Lord Harry Wotton, who preaches a life of hedonism and decadence, Dorian falls into a life of such indulgence. Wotton asks him if he would barter his soul to remain young and handsome. Dorian replies that he would, and so the story unfolds - the young man remains the same for 18 years, while the painting of him changes and ages, becoming uglier and older with each sin he commits. In the end... well, on second thought, i won't spoil it should you wish to read/watch it.

The relevance of this story is that it's what made me think. The simple truth of it is, we are ALL hedonistic, to an extent. Hedonism is the philosophical idea that pleasure or happiness is the highest good. The act of devoting oneself to seeking out those pleasures as a way of LIVING. There are names throughout history of these deviants who made it their lifestyle; John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester, King Solomon (apparently), half of Rome's emporors... These are people who spent their life copulating, smoking, drinking, and possibly nothing else. And yet they're not THAT much more shameless than us as a modern society.

Oscar Wilde's book is supposed to be one of the last books of the Aesthetic age - The british age in the 18th and 19th century that coincided with the french Decadent period. It was a time much like the renaissance, when morals, ethics and lifestyles were being reconsidered. Although it is never directly mentioned, Wilde experiments and makes references to homoeroticism amongst many other indulgences people were beginning to reconsider at the time. If you like, the aesthetic age was the preset for the liberal society we live in today.

Which is where our own hedonistic nature comes in. We, as human beings, will take what we want, one way or another. For the younger, we will seek to own material object by any means. I myself have begged my parents for several things, all perceived to be 'the best'. For those a little older it is the pursuit of a man, or a woman, by means of chasing, courting, marrying, as well as getting the best job, the best car, the best home, the best dog. We are never satiated, never satisfied with what we have already. There is always something out there pushing us to try for better. As a society, we want the BEST, the greatest, the most pleasurable, all in aid of making our lives more pleasurable to live.

A friend of mine suggested that hedonism is entirely selfish and that it is not worth pursuing. Which, to an extent, i agree with. But without the hedonistic streak within us, we may not survive. It boils down to the basic carnal instincts; the need to eat, drink, sleep, multiply. The hedonist justification is that pleasure and pain are the simplest indicators of what is good for you, and what is bad for you - those things that feel good MUST be good for you. The things that hurt can't be of any use at all, other than warning you to avoid it.

Again, i agree to an extent. But pain can teach us many things and pleasure isn't always a good thing. Look at the heroin addicts and the self-harmers of society. How does a hedonist justify those sort of acts?

It comes back to Dorian Gray's story. He indulged in pleasure, and decadence, and the very best high society could offer. It froze his age, but, as his portrait showed, rot his very soul until he was hideous. Basically, hedonism, if taken too seriously, is NOT good for you, or for society.

But of course, if your partner pleases you, and it pleases them, you probably shouldn't say no. ;)

On another note, i'd LOVE to see how my soul would fare on canvas...

For Shame!

Ok, so, having had yet another person point out my blog to me, i felt a bit mean because i havent written one since July when i was really pissed off about work stuff. Oopsie!

So, id like to formally apologise to any of you who follow my posts, and carry on with another post, about... well, nothing in particular.

Summer has been a hoot! After working god knows how many hours a week up until the end of August, i ended up in the shallow blue waters of the meditteranean, soaking up sun and discovering my future profession: Marine Archaeology. SCUBA diving for shipwrecks and the like. You know it makes sense! Living abroad, putting my degree to good use, seeing some gorgeous creatures and environments along the way. Yeah. Now i just gotta get the motivation to finish a SCUBA course at uni. (they have one, it was the first ad i saw yesterday, and it made me happy.)

Pretty much as soon as i got back into the county i was down south for my boyfriend's brothers wedding (thats REALLY hard to say, i kept missing the 'brother' part in explanations, it worried a few people) and that was AMAZING. It was also the first time i met his family. I think they liked me. I hope so, at least. His brother and new sister-in-law are lovely! Right in the middle of their wedding day they presented Simon and i with a very nice bottle of white chocolate liqueur for helping out. Which... well, im not really used to thank you presents, you help out where you can and thats all. But it was really nice to get that. Can't say i don't envy them though... Florida for 3 weeks.... fuh. -.-

So now i'm back at uni, settling in Nicely. New timetable is a bitch, they're all MORNING lectures. God knows what i'm gonna do here. Looks like i'm gonna have to grin and bear it i suppose. This year is achievement year anyway. By Christmas i'll have settled nicely into writing for the uni newspaper, plus being secretary for RAG (Raise And Give) Society, and the occasional dive. Lets hope, eh?

Anyway, like i said, this blog isn't about much. This was just to let you know im still alive and that ill be writing much more from now on. And i MEAN it this time!

NOT on My Watch...

Whoever said "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is a complete fool. I've never known anything hurt more than a word or a name spat in venom.

This blog isn't about me, per se, although i have seen my fair share of plain and simple bullying, which is exactly why i'm the way i am today, and i'd like to say this: i will NEVER stand by and watch it happen to another person.

This has all come about because of my place of work (yes, i realise that internet and employment NEVER mix but to be honest, i think my boss is far too up his own sphincter to take interest in what other people do outside of his restaurant) and the people in it. Basically, aside from my boss, i am the oldest waitress - as a result i seem to have fallen into a place of confidence amongst the younger staff who are too intimidated by my boss to talk to him personally. One girl in particular is fifteen, and is experiencing a lot of trouble with one of the chefs. In short, he's making her work life a misery.

She has a number of options open to her. One is to stand up for herself. Another is to leave. Well, shes tried the first and it lands her in trouble. The second isn't an option for many reasons, and the main conclusion is, why should she have to?

She shouldn't, is the answer, quite simply because this sort of thing SHOULDN'T be happening in a place of work. Something should be done and the only reason nothing is being done, is because nobody dare stand up to my boss, or to the bullying chef..

Well, i dare.

The majority of my family tell me that i shouldn't get involved, that my own job will suffer, that i may be sacked, etc etc. To be perfectly honest, id be able to live with myself far easier if i got sacked for doing what was right, rather than getting paid to keep my trap shut. I sure as hell will NOT do it. As far as i'm aware, the rules are on my side. And the side of the people im looking out for.

Seriously though, what kind of employee lets his staff bully each other?!

GRRRR!